IF IT'S "HYSTERICAL," IT'S HISTORICAL

Have you ever had an OUTSIZED REACTION to something? Where your anger or upset was DISPROPORTIONATE to the thing that happened (or didn't happen)?

HINT: It’s almost never about the thing.

I don’t love the term “hysterical” (given the historical roots of oppression), but this common therapy expression is powerful.

To be clear, your experience is valid. Your feelings are real. They matter. You matter. This isn’t about shaming or judging your emotional process. You’ve come by it honestly. There’s almost always a painful historical context when we become dysregulated.

And still, in a moment of clarity, many of us can own the fact that we’ve had an outsized reaction because we were triggered. It was an unwelcome reminder of previous pain that hasn’t healed.

For example, a client shared that being reminded of something he’d forgotten (or otherwise dropped the ball on) reminded him of his abusive mother who would nitpick and constantly point out all the ways he had supposedly failed her. Even though his wife was super kind and appreciative, he would sometimes “freak out on her” (his words) if he had to admit that he’d made a simple mistake or let her down in any way.

He rationally knew his wife was nothing like his mother. He also intellectually understood that a minor mistake is part of being human. However, in those everyday moments, he was instantly triggered, his sympathetic nervous system activated, and his lizard brain convinced him he was a "worthless loser" who could never do anything right. He’d yell, stomp around, and deflect (e.g., “why do I have to be the one to get the stupid cat’s medicine anyway?”). It would ruin an otherwise lovely evening with his loving partner (and sweet kitty).

While it wasn’t his fault that he was subjected to an abusive parent, he kept taking it out on others who didn’t deserve his wrath (including his wife, colleagues when they tried to offer constructive feedback, the cable company when he’d forgotten to mail the check, etc.). It wasn't his fault, but it was his responsibility to learn to handle this differently.

In this case, his mother had passed away so there was no opportunity for repair or closure about how she’d treated him all those years. But taking it out on others wasn’t fair. That wasn't the kind of person he wanted to be. He was super frustrated with himself and wanted to change. He couldn’t do that without becoming aware of why he was doing it in the first place. Once he connected the dots and learned some new coping strategies, he was able to learn how to respond (rather than react).

Here are several helpful questions to explore the historical hurts behind extreme reactions:

• When or where have I felt this way before?

• Does this feel familiar?

• Does this remind me of something or someone?

As overwhelming and frustrating as this pattern can be, you have the power to change it. I highly recommend working with a therapist licensed in your area to dive deeper and work on breaking free from this painful cycle of reactivity.

Did this resonate for you? Have you identified historical hurts that amplify your reactions at times? If so, you are not alone. If you feel comfortable doing so, please let us know in the comments and connect with others who can relate.